


when you're in so deep that it feels easier to just swim down

by nosecoffee



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, BB-8 is his kid, Car Accident, Drowning Metaphors, Family, Fluff, Hitch-hikers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modern AU, Modern Setting, Ocean Metaphors, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Recovery, Small Towns, Vague Slow Burn, Waffle House, a little bit physically, but like emotionally, don't tell me otherwise, slightly domestic, some making out, some trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 08:29:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9376814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosecoffee/pseuds/nosecoffee
Summary: Cars don't usually explode. Poe knows that.They don't. That's just a thing that happens in movies. Cars don't explode.Except, this one does.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'It's Quiet Uptown' from Hamilton: An Anerican Musical

Sometimes, he feels like the ocean, rough and startling.

Sometimes, he feels like a boat, being tossed further from land than before.

And, sometimes, he feels like he's trying to empty the ocean with a bucket.

~

Cars don't usually explode. He knows that.

They don't. That's just a thing that happens in movies. Cars don't explode.

Poe knows this, even as he reaches for the man in the passenger seat of the overturned car.

Knows this, even as fire and smoke engulf his vision and pain becomes everything.

~

Poe wakes up in hospital, three days later.

Jessika's asleep in the chair next to his bed, and thirty minutes after awakening Snap enters, holding two coffees.

The coffees fall to the floor as Snap registers Poe's wakefulness, with an eloquent exclamation of, "holy shit, what the fuck, Poe Dameron, you fucking dumbass!"

Jessica wakes with a scream from the splash of hot coffee on her leg, and then it's a tearful reunion and a call to his dad.

~

Poe gets out of hospital a week later, with a neck brace, and a cast on his left arm.

~

Kes takes him out to the country, out to the little house, far from the city, the one he'd lived in since age twelve to twenty.

Helps him down the plot of land until he knows Poe will be alright.

Poe places the flowers he brought on his moms grave.

Falls asleep there and only wakes up when Kes comes back to get him.

~

It's three weeks after the accident and, of course, there's been the usual 'are you okay's, but nothing finite.

Three weeks after he watched a man die, and people have asked him if he's okay, but it's not enough.

Poe still sees the fire when he closes his eyes.

~

The cashier at the home brand supermarket down the road smiles at him as he tells him his total. Helps him load the bags into the trolley.

His name tag says 'Finn'.

~

Jess and Snap call nightly to check in, demanding he put them on speakerphone so that they can say 'hi' to Kes.

When it gets dark he squashes the pillow into his face and breathes deeply against the fabric.

He doesn't turn the light off anymore.

~

Poe doesn't think that anybody actually gets it.

Kes is quiet - of course he is. When Shara died Poe wouldn't speak to him for weeks until Kes told him he was rebuilding the house.

Jess and Snap try to play around, try to joke like nothing changed, like Poe is still fine.

He's not.

And they don't get that because he hasn't been bothered to tell them.

The cashier - Finn - at the supermarket is always there, early Saturday mornings, smiles brightly like it isn't ass-crack-o'clock.

The manager at the waffle-house pats him on the back, smiles as she hands him his bill over the counter.

~

The more water he empties out, the fuller the ocean seems.

~

"BB wants to say 'hi'," Snap says and Poe's heart launches itself into his throat.

BB appears on screen, her freckles, and orange hair, and dark, dark eyes.

"Daddy!" She exclaims and Poe breathes deeply to stop himself from even thinking of crying.

"Hey, buddy," he says, and clears his voice when it cracks. "How you doing?"

"Great! We did art in class today and I drew a picture! Look!" She holds up a piece of paper, and it looks like scribbles but he smiles anyway.

"It's beautiful, buddy," Poe tells her and she beams.

"When are you coming home?" BB asks.

Poe runs his fingers, nails blunt from chewing, through his hair, fighting to keep his smile in place. "I don't know, buddy. Soon. I promise."

"You better," BB warns, darkly, and then laughs. "Can I say hi to grandpa?"

"Of course!" Poe hands the phone to Kes and walks out to the porch.

The stars are wholly visible out here.

But BB's the brightest thing he knows.

~

BB wasn't, per say, an accident. More so a surprise.

Beth Byron the Eighth was one of the best things to happen to him.

It's just that Poe'd never been any good at parenting. And BB's mom - well, she'd never given him a straight answer ("I'm not cut out to be a mom" "I've got school to focus on" "of course I love her" "I can't do this") but he'd never blame her for it - wasn't in the picture anymore.

Jessica had been the obvious choice of guardian, and it meant that she was still in his life, just not the centre of it.

If she'd been in his care when the accident happened, God knew what could've happened to her.

At least he's protected her from that.

~

"Don't like mornings?" Finn asks, bagging up some Pop tarts that Kes had demanded.

Poe licks his lips. "Not too much," he replies, evenly, "Nights are worse, but who am I to complain?"

Finn shrugs, handing him the plastic bag, a beam fixed on his face. "I hope you sleep well tonight, then. Seeya round."

Poe smiles back.

~

He tosses and turns, but it's not the the worst night he's had.

Poe figures Finn's just magic or some shit.

~

Han, from the car repair shop, picks up a hitch-hiker and brings her to the Waffle House the next day.

Poe watches Han introduce her to Leia, the sweet-faced manager, watches their interaction.

When Han gets up to help Leia and Chewie in the kitchen, the girl looks over and him and scoots a couple of seats down, her hand outstretched in greeting.

"Rey Kenobi. You are?" She has a British accent, and hair tied back in three buns on the back of her head.

"Poe Dameron. You come from the UK?"

She snorts. "That place is a mess. Nah, my dads from there. You from here?"

"Originally." It's just vague enough to sate her, and then Han appears again and rips Rey from the conversation.

Either way, Poe's grateful for company, even if it's brief.

~

Poe thinks he's drowning for a while.

It's been four months since the accident. The neck brace has been off for one.

It's still stiff sometimes, but at least BB doesn't stare at it when they video-call anymore. That's a bright side.

Finn still smiles at him, Rey gets a job at the repair shop, Chewie helps him fix Kes's car after it breaks down on the hill.

Han glares at him over the counter at the Waffle House. Poe knows it's good natured.

~

Poe feels like he's starting to swim up, after an age of sinking.

~

It comes to a head on a Tuesday night, and Poe's just trying to buy some Easy-Mac, even though the microwave smells like vomit after he's made it.

"Are you free, tomorrow night?" Finn asks him, handing him his change and Poe almost drops it.

He doesn't, thank god.

"Uh, I mean, sure," he replies, and clears his throat. "Um, like, after seven, because that's when my daughter calls, so..."

Finn blanches. "Oh my, God. I'm so sorry. I was asking you out, and you're-"

"Totally single?" Poe buts in and watches Finn fight an internal battle with an amused air. "Wanna play Scrabble at the pizza place down the street, tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, okay."

~

He resurfaces.

~

Finn's probably the nicest guy Poe's ever met, and that's saying something, because he grew up in a country town.

They play Scrabble and eat wood-fired pizza, and Finn drives him home.

They don't kiss in the driveway, but they see each other the next morning, in an aisle in the supermarket, and Poe thinks about how he maybe regretted not kissing him.

Finn asks him if he wants to get lunch at the Waffle House and Poe's sure Finn's magic because a smile shouldn't make him weak at the knees.

~

BB notices because she asks him why he looks so happy the next time he calls up, and frowns when he replies that he's just happy to see her face.

"It's mean to lie, daddy." She tells him and Jessika winks over BB's shoulder at him.

"I went on a date," he tells her and watches her beam, in all her newly-lost-tooth glory.

"What's his name?"

"Finn."

~

Poe kisses Finn on the bench in his truck and watches in amusement at Finn's surprise.

He's careful around Poe's mending arm, but otherwise, he kisses him in a way that Poe hadn't been kissed in a while.

It doesn't escalate, it just mediates a little, from sweet to hard a couple of times, and from sloppy to uniform a couple more.

~

Poe's floating again.

~

"I used to live in San Francisco." Rey says through a mouthful of sandwich.

Poe looks up from his own sandwich, intrigued. Rey never talks about her past. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," she agrees and rips the lettuce out of her BLT. "Lived there with my dad. His name's Ben, but he'd make you call him 'Obi Wan' 'cause he's a fuckin nerd."

"What's 'Obi Wan' mean?" Rey rolls her eyes, but she's smiling.

"His middle name's Oboe. How dumb is that? Anyway, when he was in college, his friends would shorten it to 'Obi'. He scored first place in a hotdog eating contest, and made everyone call him 'Obi Won' for a full month before him and his mates got drunk and it morphed into 'Obi Wan'. It's dumb, but he loves it, so I love him."

Poe wraps his sandwich up, putting it in his bag for later. "Why'd you leave?"

At this, Rey scowls. "My psycho karate teacher chased me outta town. I was to lazy to put a restraining order on him, so I just left."

"You still talk to your dad?"

"Yeah, he calls up every month, gives me updates." Rey finishes her sandwich and crumples up her sandwich wrapper. There's oil smeared along the back of her hand. "Nice talking to you, Poe."

~

"I was in a car accident," he eventually admits.

Finn's hand tightens on his own.

They have their feet in the water, pants rolled up their calfs, leaning on each other's shoulders.

"When?"

"Four, five months ago?" He tries to sound like he doesn't know for sure, but he's got it counted down to the day. "That's why I had a neck brace on when you met me."

"And the cast?" Finn inquires, touching the aforementioned cast, lightly. Poe doesn't mind, it's due to come off soon.

He's a little afraid to see the scars, though.

"And the cast."

"Was it a drunk driver?"

"No. No, I think he was entirely sober. Wasn't even my car that got totalled."

Finn's brow creases. Poe's almost ashamed to have brought it up, ashamed to have ruined the image of Finn smiling faintly, face glowing from the sunset. "Then how'd you get hurt?"

Poe grimaces. "I got out to help. His car was on its roof. I figured, help him out so that he'll be safe until the paramedics arrive." He shakes his head. "Cars don't usually explode. They don't. That's just a thing that happens in movies. Cars don't explode. Except," Poe sighs, "this one did. I made it out. He didn't."

There's silence for a few moments, just waved on their ankles, sun glinting on the water.

"My parents died in a car crash when I was two." Finn murmurs and Poe doesn't know if anything he can say would mean anything, so instead he wraps an arm around Finn's shoulders. "I don't think too much about it, I hardly knew them, but I guess I can relate."

They sit in silence, but it's not bad.  
Poe thinks he likes this kind of silence.

~

Silence cannot reign forever, though, Poe learns.

He learns this when Jessika and Snap make the trip down to him with BB and now he's got a tiny child running around, too.

He takes her to meet Finn at the supermarket, and he buys her an Aero bar, because they're her favourite.

Finn dotes on her, and takes them to the Waffle House for lunch.

Rey gets excited over BB's appearance and gives her money to play something out of the jukebox.

BB falls asleep at six, on the couch and Poe lets Jess take her to the guest bedroom.

Finn joins him out on the porch.

"She's great."

"Yeah," Poe replies.

"I'm glad you trust me enough to introduce us."

"I'm glad I met you." Finn has stars in his eyes when Poe looks at him. "I'd like to take you to see my mom."

Finn is quiet as they walk down the hill, quiet as Poe gives him fresh flowers to put beside her grave, quiet as Poe sits down and gestures for him to do the same.

"How'd she die?" Finn asks when they've been watching the stars for a little over fifteen minutes.

"House fire." Poe pulls out his phone and pulls up a picture of her. "This is her on her thirty-second birthday." He scrolls to the next picture, a picture of a burnt down little house, a few charred flowerbeds still in place, smoky remains of trees in the background. "This is the next day. See the flowers there?" Finn nods. "That's where we found her."

"My condolences."

"I'm glad you didn't say 'I'm sorry'."

"I know how I feel when people say 'I'm sorry' for the car accident that wasn't their fault. It would be insensitive for me to do it."

Poe doesn't have the nerve to say it until they're halfway up the hill. "I think I'm falling in love with you."

Finn snorts, "About damn time."

~

The cast comes off and Poe stops feeling like he's emptying the sea.

He starts feeling a little more like he's stopped his ship from sinking.

~

Poe starts living again.

  
Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed! If you did, please feel free to leave a comment and/or kudos, and track me down on Tumblr @nose-coffee.
> 
> Some other notes: yes, I'm being self indulgent with making Obi Wan's middle name 'Oboe' but I find it hilarious so whatever.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading!


End file.
